When I was at school, sometime around four years old, I used to take sweets from my teacher’s treat jar. Over time this obsession became worse and moved from sweets to money. Even though I came from a wealthy family, I still never felt like it was enough. I had ADHD which, back then, just made me seen as the naughty kid. I ended up being expelled – I never fitted in at school so I spent the time with my nan. She gave me whiskey lemonades but that moved on to me topping up my glass with more whiskey but never more lemonade. Back then I just thought this is just me, who I am. I only realised last year that I had addictive tendencies.
I could never hold a relationship down because all I ever thought about was me. I was selfish, I always wanted what other people had.
Since then I’ve been in and out of prison and it was there that I got introduced to heroin. I missed the birth of my first child because I was inside. I left prison with a heroin habit that lasted a little while and I was trying to hide it from my ex-partner but one night it came out and the baby in the flat was the driving force to go cold turkey. I was clean for a year but when my mum passed away it felt like a good excuse to get straight back to drugs. Even during that clean year I was drinking a lot which I see now was just a substitute.
After that, I was in and out of hostels, on the streets, living in a car. I went into a hostel and got onto a plan to get me off the heroin but while getting this help I started doing crack – another substitute.
I met someone who helped me to stay away from the other people using crack. I was working but started drinking again during my lunch breaks. This moved on to having a drink whenever the supervisor had left and then in the evenings. I could never leave a can in the fridge once I had them. This carried on for a few years, everyday, drinking. Then me and my partner split up.
I met someone new and she changed my life, I was happier and she got pregnant. She put me through my driving test and a college course to support my job but I wasn’t giving anything back. It was all take, take, take. On my way home I would drink before I travelled back and then buy more drink for the evening so, to her, it didn’t look like I was drinking so much. It was all behind-the-back, sneakiness. Later, I met people who were doing cocaine and this led back to crack. My partner found out and I left the house, living in my car first, then a crack house, doing whatever it took to get the drugs.
In 2018, I was rough sleeping in Cassiobury Park when I realised ‘I’m done with this lifestyle’. I needed to sort myself out.
I went to the New Hope Haven and found they had an Assessment Bed for me. It was the first time I’d had a bed, a hot shower and clean clothes in months. I’d gone in wearing the same clothes I’d worn every day. I was in there for only a week when I got a call from the Community Home saying they had a room. I went there that same day, full of self-pity.
I was scared. I knew we had to do 28 days of strict detox and all I’d known was addiction. I was thinking ‘Will I last? Will I be able to cope?’ And it was hard. I was having vivid, horrible dreams, my emotions were coming back. The staff kept telling me it was normal – knowing it wasn’t just me helped.
I was introduced to a member of Cocaine Anonymous. We sat down and he told me his story. The things he was saying I related to. It felt like my story. He was like me. Together, we went to my first CA meeting the next Friday. I was scared walking in but everyone was so friendly, I was made to feel so comfortable. I sat in there listening to other people sharing, hearing all the similarities. Other like-minded people were thinking, reacting how I used to think and react and I knew I wasn’t on my own anymore. On the way back to the Community Home I was buzzing, I couldn’t wait to get to the next meeting. I was also receiving support from the Intervention Team with my mental health and drug use which made me understand myself better and look at things in different ways.
As the months went on I felt more comfortable sharing at my meetings. My fear went away. I got a sponsor and worked through to Step 4 with them – I had to document my regrets in life and I was terrified to tell someone else the things I had done. I’d hit a brick wall.
I thought to myself ‘I haven’t used for a couple of months, I’m going to get on it at Christmas.’ I relapsed then, but as soon as I’d done it, the guilt was worse than it had ever been. I knew I’d lose the place that I was living, I’d just started talking to my kids again but it didn’t stop me. Once I’d had that one pipe, everything else was forgotten and it was all because I wasn’t honest. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was only out for one day and I came back to the Community Home expecting to have to leave but I was given a final warning. This made me realise what I had done. I’d thrown everything away for just one night. But everyone was behind me, they wanted me to succeed and that’s what I’m most grateful for. This wasn’t the end.
This time I got a new sponsor and got honest with myself. I got humble and went through the steps with my new sponsor and I noticed myself changing. It was like a spiritual experience. I finished my steps and now I’m able to give back. I now sponsor four other people who I help and doing that helps me as much as it helps them.
Today my children run up to me saying ‘Daddy, I love you.’ Ten months ago they would have run away. This year I went to my daughter’s fifth birthday party but last year I was told to stay away. Today I go to CA meetings and share my story to help others. Today I have a room at New Hope House and am bidding for social housing and I’m getting further up the list every day. Today I am nine months clean and sober when on the streets I couldn’t do one or two days. I’m making amends now. I’m talking to my dad and my eldest son has made me a granddad. I’ve been to see my grandkids for the first time in five years.
If I don’t have one drink, one drug, it cannot set off my cravings. One is too much and 100 is never enough. That life of 30 years is there if I want it but I have the tools today to choose another path and today I’m free from the pain and misery of drug and alcohol addiction. I’ve come from rock bottom and people are proud of me. I’ve got my confidence back.